this time of year is always a difficult one. its when I start doubting God and start listening to my insecurities- I start to believe the lies the Devil tells me. The voice of God is quieter and the father of lies becomes a loud buzzing in my ear.
I know its going to be like this, but somehow it always comes around and surprises me. Seriously? should it surprise me, anymore? this time it came back around and it was even worse than i remembered. darker. deeper. scarier. it made me afraid. I was paralyzed. I could not do anything. I felt helpless. like crying out and hitting a wall. where did you go Father? what was it that i actually believed? my emotions or what ive claimed the truth is?
again, i just sat there. failure. again. in my face. this time again i say, it was worse. the tears just wouldnt stop falling. all the pain ive ever felt in my whole life seemed to look me in the face. things ive stuffed down deep in my heart and promised that would never let hurt me again. where is this coming from? I feel like im in 5th grade again. so tender. why the heck am i remembering this?
but now. i see. that devil will not let me buy into the lie he is selling. i will not go down like that. I am more than that. this life is not my own. it belongs to the one who ransomed me. thats what faith is. it’s believing in the unseen. why is faith so difficult. if i could remember all the times that the Lord has come through for me when it seemed the darkest. i just think that i have yet to see the darkest. and when i was faced with it. i ran. scared that he wouldnt be there in the end. but i am choosing to step out in faith and trust that God is who he says he is. I will walk in covenant with him so i can relish in the promises he can not wait to give to me. I so look forward to the harvest, because this seems to labor intensive. i am struggling and wrestling. i am fighting with all my might. okay. well i am now. there was a moment when i just wanted to lay down and die. and if it werent for my friends. i might have given up. but now i know what i have to do. i just gotta get back up and start walking towards what i know to be true. i encourage you to do the same, my dear friends. I know it hurts. i know its difficult. but like my friend says, theres a reason you are not gone yet. and its not for us to question. but to just know our ministry in life is not over. maybe its just the beginning. thats what i hope, at least. journey on, my dearly loved.
