I feel as if I have a wandering heart. Why does my heart stray away from God when he is the only one who will be able to love me the way I truly desire? I heard this really cool thought last night. My friend, Sharon was sharing about how this generation knows that there is something more out there, it’s as if our soul is not satisfied with the world because there is something more- a longing that desires to be filled- a deep calling to deep. Yet, we can not articulate what it is, but its something more than what this world can offer. We try to fix this longing in our heart by trying to put this desire to rest by attempting to finding that missing piece ourselves, an attempt to fixing what is wrong. We try different things. Some may try many different things. I have thought about the things we substitute God with in attempts to find peace within ourselves. Some people drink or use drugs. Some may try to associate themselves with gangs. And less drastic- try to achieve their definition of success by gaining money, careers, status symbols, degrees. whatever. I find relationships to be one for myself, personally. But overall, we try to fill that void with something we think is valuable. usually I find it’s the one thing we lacked as children, the thing we valued above all else. a child without a father will find that attention from men, is priceless. and the whole while, the one thing that can wholly fill it is God. He is HOLY and WHOLLY. what a revelation.
I have been mislead and misguided by my own desires of my heart at times. At this current moment I am very upset with myself, because oh how my heart wanders from God. I really thought I’d like to go out with this young man. I thought man. ok. I could do something big with this guy. but i knew it wasnt something that God had planned for me, because *I* made this happen. I had taken this all in my own hands, and manipulated the WHOLE situation. I had tried to make him accept me for who I am. I told him I wasn’t going to- for better words- give him the goodies. I was waiting on God. and from that moment on. I had not heard from him. I was willing to give myself away for that? I was giving myself away in small pieces, although we had not seen each other physically, I still have given small parts of myself away. made small compromises. And I should have known. and now im left feeling all yucky. I really just wanted to yell at Him and tell him that I am not the one to be treated like that. I deserve more and know that I am worth it. but what would be the point. I dont think you can ever apperciate the treasure if you dont know what the treasure truly is. ya dig? how can a person value God’s treasure, if he himself does not value what God values? I am only stating this because, well- God values purity. obviously purity is something that is not valued by someone who is willing to walk away when told he’d have to wait. and again I’m reminded of the saying “love gives and lust takes”.
I hear over and over, if God does not give it to you, it’s because he has something better. Yet again I was reminded of this last night in the girls’ class, as Miss Carmen was speaking. This is something i know, but do i really understand it? I think not, because I keep picking this thing back up and try to keep making a way of my own.
Girls, I tell you this to encourage you. I fall for the same game. But its not the best. Because God does not play games. You don’t have to pretend to be anything other than the child of God that you are!!! and Yes, God has a set of rules, but they are only to protect what he loves and values the most. They are more like guidelines, to keep us from being hurt. So I will follow your rules, Lord, so that I may be able to have your best!! I can not wait for the day I meet my husband. He will not even know what to do with himself, because I am waiting, right now, to give him all my love!
