My Beloved….

I have begged God to make me understand why He has created me in a way that I need to relate to others. Women are relational to the core. We have intimate relationships with our friends that are so very deep. Why must He make me to long so much for this kind of relationship with a man? Not just sex, but more than that. I wouldn’t settle for anything less. I’ve been there and done that. Yes, thats right. I just said that outloud. Look, just because I am a Christian doesnt mean that I have not made mistakes, or even continue to make mistakes. But at this time in my life, I am trying to follow God because everytime, I put myself in charge, I make a huge mess. Part of the reason I admit this is because, I know that you can never find an answer to a soulution until you reconginze the problem. I feel that many women long for intimacy, true intimacy, with another human, which in most cases, is not met in just friendship with another woman. Now, here is the tricky part. This longing, I have come to realize is my longing for intimacy with Him above. So I run to Him. I beg Him to fill this void that I am so desperately aware of. I know that God is always enough, but for some reason He is not cutting it. Now, I know the problem is not on His end, but rather, it is on my end, because He is “the well spring of life”.  He is always enough. 

It is deep calling to deep. He is wanting more of me, and I stand at the edge afraid of something that asks me to give so much of myself.  I really want to, I am sick and tired of trying to quinch this thrist with my own small watering can. Its like a broken cracked cistern, which I am constanting running to the well and attempting to fill and bring back to myself. I just need a drink of Him. Sometimes the longing is just too much.

But the cool thing was, I was anxious and up at night, trying to just get peace of mind and all….and I did not know what to do, so I opened up my journal and read. I did not know where to even begin in my Bible. It was too overwhelming. And all of the sudden the words, I had written, began to minister to  my heart.  Apparently in October, I was really hearing from God, because it was amazing the things I was reading to myself. God left me with Isaiah 30:18-33. If you have time, read that. Its so encouraging.

Anyway, I encourage you to write down your thoughts when you feel God speaking to you, you never know when you’ll need to ecourage yourself. It’s the best, because you can’t deny what God had told YOU, already.

this time of year is always a difficult one. its when I start doubting God and start listening to my insecurities- I start to believe the lies the Devil tells me. The voice of God is quieter and the father of lies becomes a loud buzzing in my ear.

I know its going to be like this, but somehow it always comes around and surprises me. Seriously? should it surprise me, anymore? this time it came back around and it was even worse than i remembered. darker. deeper. scarier. it made me afraid. I was paralyzed. I could not do anything. I felt helpless. like crying out and hitting a wall. where did you go Father? what was it that i actually believed? my emotions or what ive claimed the truth is?

again, i just sat there.  failure. again. in my face. this time again i say, it was worse. the tears just wouldnt stop falling. all the pain ive ever felt in my whole life seemed to look me in the face. things ive stuffed down deep in my heart and promised that would never let hurt me again. where is this coming from? I feel like im in 5th grade again. so tender. why the heck am i remembering this?

but now. i see. that devil will not let me buy into the lie he is selling. i will not go down like that. I am more than that. this life is not my own. it belongs to the one who ransomed me. thats what faith is. it’s believing in the unseen. why is faith so difficult.  if i could remember all the times that the Lord has come through for me when it seemed the darkest.  i just think that i have yet to see the darkest. and when i was faced with it. i ran. scared that he wouldnt be there in the end. but i am choosing to step out in faith and trust that God is who he says he is. I will walk in covenant with him so i can relish in the promises he can not wait to give to me.  I so look forward to the harvest, because this seems to labor intensive. i am struggling and wrestling. i am fighting with all my might. okay. well i am now. there was a moment when i just wanted to lay down and die. and if it werent for my friends. i might have given up. but now i know what i have to do. i just gotta get back up and start walking towards what i know to be true. i encourage you to do the same, my dear friends. I know it hurts. i know its difficult. but like my friend says, theres a reason you are not gone yet. and its not for us to question. but to just know our ministry in life is not over. maybe its just the beginning. thats what i hope, at least. journey on, my dearly loved.

I wanted to write a letter to a friend to let him know how loved he is. Far away from where  he began, I imagined what God would say to him.  Somehow it ended up being a letter addressed to me too!

Isaiah 30

 ¹ “What sorrow awaits my rebellious children,”
      says the Lord.
   “You make plans that are contrary to mine.
      You make alliances not directed by my Spirit,
      thus piling up your sins.
 ² For without consulting me,
      you have gone down to Egypt for help.
   You have put your trust in Pharaoh’s protection.
      You have tried to hide in his shade.
 ³ But by trusting Pharaoh, you will be humiliated,
      and by depending on him, you will be disgraced.
 ⁴ For though his power extends to Zoan
      and his officials have arrived in Hanes,
 ⁵ all who trust in him will be ashamed.
      He will not help you.
      Instead, he will disgrace you.”

 ⁶ This message came to me concerning the animals in the Negev:

   The caravan moves slowly
      across the terrible desert to Egypt—
   donkeys weighed down with riches
      and camels loaded with treasure—
      all to pay for Egypt’s protection.
   They travel through the wilderness,
      a place of lionesses and lions,
      a place where vipers and poisonous snakes live.
   All this, and Egypt will give you nothing in return.
    ⁷ Egypt’s promises are worthless!
   Therefore, I call her Rahab—
      the Harmless Dragon.^[a]

 ⁸ Now go and write down these words.
      Write them in a book.
   They will stand until the end of time
      as a witness
 ⁹ that these people are stubborn rebels
      who refuse to pay attention to the Lord’s instructions.
 ¹⁰ They tell the seers,
      “Stop seeing visions!”
   They tell the prophets,
      “Don’t tell us what is right.
   Tell us nice things.
      Tell us lies.
 ¹¹ Forget all this gloom.
      Get off your narrow path.
   Stop telling us about your
      ‘Holy One of Israel.’”

 ¹² This is the reply of the Holy One of Israel:

   “Because you despise what I tell you
      and trust instead in oppression and lies,
 ¹³ calamity will come upon you suddenly—
      like a bulging wall that bursts and falls.
   In an instant it will collapse
      and come crashing down.
 ¹⁴ You will be smashed like a piece of pottery—
      shattered so completely that
   there won’t be a piece big enough
      to carry coals from a fireplace
      or a little water from the well.”

 ¹⁵ This is what the Sovereign Lord,
      the Holy One of Israel, says:
   “Only in returning to me
      and resting in me will you be saved.
   In quietness and confidence is your strength.
      But you would have none of it.
 ¹⁶ You said, ‘No, we will get our help from Egypt.
      They will give us swift horses for riding into battle.’
   But the only swiftness you are going to see
      is the swiftness of your enemies chasing you!
 ¹⁷ One of them will chase a thousand of you.
      Five of them will make all of you flee.
   You will be left like a lonely flagpole on a hill
      or a tattered banner on a distant mountaintop.”

Oh Lord,  please dont leave me. Dont let me end up like this. I see my error and I am wrong Lord! Please save me from myself. I need your help. But I don’t know how to even come back from  you. My enemies left me empty and worthless. I see no reason to come back to you for I am as you say, I am rotten and broken. Rebellious. An Adulterous child. I’ve forsaken you.

but beloved read my words. continue to read my love letter to you. know that you are never to far from me- to turn back. I am waiting for you to come back to me.  I love you no matter what you do. I just long to be with you, not as we were, but I long to bring you to pastures green and abundant. I want to see you dance and the freedom I bought for you. Please child lift your head and continue to read…this message is for you. I knew youd need the encouragement..so I wrote it down, thus not forget it. I asked you to write it on your heart, to bury it deep down, so that when the words are gone, you would not forget or begin to question my love.

 ¹⁸ So the Lord must wait for you to come to him
      so he can show you his love and compassion.
   For the Lord is a faithful God.
      Blessed are those who wait for his help.

 ¹⁹ O people of Zion, who live in Jerusalem,
      you will weep no more.
   He will be gracious if you ask for help.
      He will surely respond to the sound of your cries.
 ²⁰ Though the Lord gave you adversity for food
      and suffering for drink,
   he will still be with you to teach you.
      You will see your teacher with your own eyes.
 ²¹ Your own ears will hear him.
      Right behind you a voice will say,
   “This is the way you should go,”
      whether to the right or to the left.
 ²² Then you will destroy all your silver idols
      and your precious gold images.
   You will throw them out like filthy rags,
      saying to them, “Good riddance!”

 ²³ Then the Lord will bless you with rain at planting time. There will be wonderful harvests and plenty of pastureland for your livestock. ²⁴ The oxen and donkeys that till the ground will eat good grain, its chaff blown away by the wind. ²⁵ In that day, when your enemies are slaughtered and the towers fall, there will be streams of water flowing down every mountain and hill. ²⁶ The moon will be as bright as the sun, and the sun will be seven times brighter—like the light of seven days in one! So it will be when the Lord begins to heal his people and cure the wounds he gave them.”

I made you special. I set you apart. I wanted you to be the canvas of my extraordinary work of art. I wanted to use you to love others that do not know me as you do. I wanted to love them as I love you. Child, my child, I love you. Nothing can change that. Not performance. I see so much potential in you. Please know, that I created you for such a time as this. Don’t run from your calling but run into my arms and know I have your back. Never will I forget you or find someone better to replace you. You are the only you in this world. You are the only one who can reflect me as only you can. It like snowflakes or fingerprints. Created individually and never duplicated. Stay in covenant with me and I will keep my covenant with you. 

With all my love,

Daddy

so God continues to work in my life and bring areas of freedom which i never thought possible. I stood to temptation and looked him in the eyes and told him that i deserve more. and i actually believed the words coming out of my mouth.

I have a good thing with God right now. I don’t want to mess this up anymore. Someday I long to have a family- a husband, children.  And this relationship does not bring me any closer to that and what God has for my life.

and honestly, the next person that I give myself to- I want to be able to be myself with- COMPLETELY.  I want to know they are committed. They know me completely and love me.  They arent going anywhere. I want to be able to trust and know i am safe trusting them.  I understand the gravity of marriage and the convenant between man and wife and I want that. No more giving myself to others who don’t want to be in covenant with me. I’m waiting and I’m okay with that.  Anything less than that is a compromise to me and I don’t want that. Im sick of it. Being casual is a lie I can’t live anymore. I tried that, and we both ended up disgusted and upset. again, for different reasons, but I can’t hurt myself or anyone else anymore due to my fleshly and selfish desires/emotions.  I will stand on the rock and not be moved by my emotions.

for so long, i had it backwards. seriously. I gave you my heart and then I waited to see if you’d stick around. I realized, with my heart and my head, that you dont just give your heart to anyone. They have to deserve it and know what a treasure they are getting. Its Matthew 7:6 “Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and then turn and tear you to pieces.”

Duh, Megan.  Keep moving forward to the life that God has called you towards. 

it took a fast for me to realize this. and i am astonished at the way God speaks to me.

“How can a young person stay pure? By obeying your word and following its rules. I have tried my best to find you- don’t let me wander from your commands. I have hidden your word in my heart, that I might not sin against you.”

Its funny. I ask. He answers.

I feel as if I have a wandering heart. Why does my heart stray away from God when he is the only one who will be able to love me the way I truly desire? I heard this really cool thought last night. My friend, Sharon was sharing about how this generation knows that there is something more out there, it’s as if our soul is not satisfied with the world because there is something more- a longing that desires to be filled- a deep calling to deep. Yet, we can not articulate what it is, but its something more than what this world can offer. We try to fix this longing in our heart by trying to put this desire to rest by attempting to finding that missing piece ourselves, an attempt to fixing what is wrong. We try different things. Some may try many different things. I have thought about the things we substitute God with in attempts to find peace within ourselves. Some people drink or use drugs. Some may try to associate themselves with gangs.  And less drastic-  try to achieve their definition of success by gaining money, careers, status symbols, degrees. whatever. I find relationships to be one for myself, personally. But overall, we try to fill that void with something we think is valuable. usually I find it’s the one thing we lacked as children, the thing we valued above all else. a child without a father will find that attention from men, is priceless. and the whole while,  the one thing that can wholly fill it is God. He is HOLY and WHOLLY. what a revelation.

I have been mislead and misguided by my own desires of my heart at times. At this current moment I am very upset with myself, because oh how my heart wanders from God. I really thought I’d like to go out with this young man. I thought man. ok. I could do something big with this guy. but i knew it wasnt something that God had planned for me, because *I* made this happen.  I had taken this all in my own hands, and manipulated the WHOLE  situation. I had tried to make him accept me for who I am. I told him I wasn’t going to- for better words- give him the goodies. I was waiting on God. and from that moment on. I had not heard from him. I was willing to give myself away for that? I was giving myself away in small pieces, although we had not seen each other physically, I still have given small parts of myself away. made small compromises. And I should have known. and now im left feeling all yucky. I really just wanted to yell at Him and tell him that I am not the one to be treated like that. I deserve more and know that I am worth it. but what would be the point. I dont think you can ever apperciate the treasure if you dont know what the treasure truly is. ya dig? how can a person value God’s treasure, if he himself does not value what God values? I am only stating this because, well- God values purity. obviously purity is something that is not valued by someone who is willing to walk away when told he’d have to wait. and again I’m reminded of the saying “love gives and lust takes”.

I hear over and over, if God does not give it to you, it’s because he has something better. Yet again I was reminded of this last night in the girls’ class, as Miss Carmen was speaking. This is something i know, but do i really understand it? I think not, because I keep picking this thing back up and try to keep making a way of my own.

Girls, I tell you this to encourage you. I fall for the same game. But its not the best. Because God does not play games. You don’t have to pretend to be anything other than the child of God that you are!!! and Yes, God has a set of rules, but they are only to protect what he loves and values the most. They are more like guidelines, to keep us from being hurt. So I will follow your rules, Lord, so that I may be able to have your best!! I can not wait for the day I meet my husband. He will not even know what to do with himself, because I am waiting, right now, to give him all my love!

So last Friday Carmen read me a passage that she has been praying over me. This is what it said:

¹ Because I love Zion,
      I will not keep still.
   Because my heart yearns for Jerusalem,
      I cannot remain silent.
   I will not stop praying for her
      until her righteousness shines like the dawn,
      and her salvation blazes like a burning torch.
 ² The nations will see your righteousness.
      World leaders will be blinded by your glory.
   And you will be given a new name
      by the Lord’s own mouth.
 ³ The Lord will hold you in his hand for all to see—
      a splendid crown in the hand of God.
 ⁴ Never again will you be called “The Forsaken City”^[a]
      or “The Desolate Land.”^[b]
   Your new name will be “The City of God’s Delight”^[c]
      and “The Bride of God,”^[d]
   for the Lord delights in you
      and will claim you as his bride.
 ⁵ Your children will commit themselves to you, O Jerusalem,
      just as a young man commits himself to his bride.
   Then God will rejoice over you
      as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride.

-Isaiah 62:1-5, New Living Translation

I had first read it in the NIV and it was a little much for me to take in at that time, last night during my quite time, I ran across the passage again. This time it was in the NLT. It made so much more sense to me, God was redeeming me and bringing healing to my land of desolation. He had given me a new name, MY BELOVED. I had been meditating on this for a while. The whole idea that He would choose to call us His Beloved. I had previously looked up in the dictionary what beloved meant. Beloved = adj.- greatly loved, dear to the heart; noun- a person who is greatly loved.  Synonyms = cherished, precious, sweet, darling. Oh how I have longed to be precious to someone, mainly my father. One thing I lacked growing up, was a close relationship with my father. He was there, but just there. I see this in the girl’s lives that I work with in the ministry. How they are searching to be someone’s beloved.  and all along, we are, rightly so. We are the Mighty One’s Beloved.

When I began this journal, I had felt as if God kept calling me his Beloved. I entitled the journal My Beloved, and added that He has given me a new name. When I read the scripture that Carmen gave me, it further confirmed what I felt the Lord was telling me in my heart of hearts. I was loved and have been loved from the very beginning. I just never reazlied it.

Anyway, I just want to encourage each of you, to come to know that you are His Beloved. You are His creation that He delights in. He delights in YOU! Please listen to this song and know that you are loved….its a perfect picture of the love God has for you. 

My Beloved by Kari Jobe

You’re My Beloved
You’re My Bride
To sing over you is My delight
Come away with Me My love

You’re Beautiful to Me
So beautiful to Me

Under My mercy
Come and wait
Till we are standing face to face
I see no stain on you
My child

You’re Beautiful to Me
So Beautiful to Me

I sing over you My song of peace
Cast all your care down at My feet
Come and find your rest in Me

I’ll breathe My life inside of you
I’ll bear you up on eagle’s wings
And hide you in the shadow of My strength
I’ll take you to My quiet waters
I’ll restore your soul
Come rest in Me and be made whole

You’re My beloved
You’re My Bride
To sing over you is my delight
Come away with me my love

Tonight the Lord gave me a glimpse into His world. what an amazing insight! As my niece, Lisette, and I were hanging out tonight. You see, Lisette is really my best friend’s little girl. She has known me for the most of her life and has always called me Tia (which for those of you who don’t know Spanish, thats Aunt). Anyway, this child is dearly loved by all who meet her. She has the most loving and patient parents. Well Lisette and I were chillin after dinner at my house and were going to meet her parents at church later this evening. I could see the anxiety rising in her, as she kept asking, “Is it almost time to leave to go to church?” Without saying it, i know that she was feeling a bit insecure without her parents around. We finally headed off to church and upon opening the door, she looked around and I saw her eyes begin to water. We had beat her parents to church. She was expecting them to be there- to meet us there, and she did not see them anywhere in sight! Her eyes began to water more and tears were streaming…I began to get impatient because I knew her parents were coming. They would never abandon her- thats the furthest thing they would do.  It was then when the Lord spoke to me and told me to be patient with her, because I was exactly her. My Father in Heaven so wants me to trust him. That He alone will be my rescuer, my knight in shining armor. But do I ever let Him? Do I ever trust that He will be there for me? I am like Lisette, wandering too and fro for security that my Father is with me. When my emotions dont feel like He is near, I should know that He will never abandon me or forsake me.  Heb. 13:5 He is awaiting to show me his unfailing love-every time!!! He is awaiting to love me….I don’t know why I can never trust this, but I am begining to see and understand a Father’s love. A real Father’s love for his children and its nothing like I’ve ever known!!!!!

I know today I have needed some encouragement. Lately I have been reading in Isaiah. How often are we like Israel, back and forth. We belong to a Mighty Lord, but we don’t believe. I imagine how the Lord looked down upon the thirsty and needy people of Isreal and wanted to reach down and help them, but they refused. He even told them, “When the poor and needy search for water and there is none, and their tounges are parched from thirst, then I the Lord, will answer them. I, the God of Israel will never abandon them. I will open up rivers for them…” Isaiah 41:17-18

Israel was set apart, and choosen to be the servant of the Lord. How are we so like them. Set apart for a great purpose and all the plunder of our Lords is ours. but we do not get to delight in the treasure or even know of them because of our own lack of trust. What are we? We are His Children. A child of the High God! Someone who is called Beloved serveral times in the word. Beloved = dearly loved. dear = esteemed with high reguard. THAT THE LORD WOULD CALL, US THAT?! It just humbles me. with all my flaws and all. seriously.

So I have been thinking with that said, why do I question Him? Why am I always thinking He will never come through for me? Why does it say continually in Isaiah that He will uphold me with his right hand, He will not let me stumble. “I the Lord, have called you to demonstrate my righteousness. I will take you by the hand and guard you. an i will give you to my people, Isreal, as a symbol of my covenant with them and you will be a light to guide the nations. You will open the eyes of the blind. You will free the captives from prison, releasing those who sit in the dark dungeons” Isaiah 42:6-7 seriously. why, Megan? why are you fighting the one hand, that will always remain for you? I ask myself this time and time again.

Last night, I had coffee with a friend who told me- that it’s often the enemy’s way to get us to doubt who we are in the Lord. She reminded me of when Jesus was in the desert. He had just spoken to His father who reminded him who he was- “This is my DEARLY LOVED Son, who brings me great joy.” and then the devil came- as a tiny little thought- that made him aware of what he was lacking. Are you hungry?? Why would your father leave you here to starve? Look around, theres nothing here but stones. If you are the true son of God, you would have food! At this point, we have two choices, Rebuke Satan with scripture as Jesus did or we can take it in our own hands, only because we dont believe God’s promises to us. We dont believe that we are his DEARLY LOVED children. He will not let us starve, thirst, or go without anything! i just had to write this out for myself, to remind myself of who I am. And God’s promises for me. I am HIS BELOVED. if anything you take away today, know that you are DEARLY LOVED.

So, if you know me this is a rare occassion. love and single in the same sentence. hah. but rather than whining I have decided to look at the positives.

seriously. this new look on singleness is great! I realized this weekend, I am so blessed to be single. I can do whatever I want, whenever. No check-ins and no time I need to be home. This is not so for my friends who are married and with children. Which is most.

Second, I have girlfriends who I can just call up and make last minute plans with. This happened this weekend. and I loved not having plans- my whole life is a schedule and this weekend I was determined not to be on schedule.  Lovely.

Third, I see where I have a chance to do things differnetly than Ive known to be “normal”. You see, normal was to be insecure that he might leave you- so you attempt to control the situation.  whatever that looks like- by trying to be “good enough” or attempting to keep him satisfied or whatever you try to do to earn love and to be loved. But I’ve realized since Ive grown closer to God, that all that is CRAZINESS and not the way that He ever wanted a marriage to look like.  When I see myself married, I see a man who will do nothing by only add to my ministry with the Lord.  He and I both will only edify what God is currently doing in our lives.  With this being said, I find it actually really freeing and liberating to finally be Me. I dont know if that makes sense, but I realized I don’t need anyone in my life. Nobody but me and God. For those of you who know me- this is a revelation! As my last relationship was very co-dependent. But now that this is acknowledged- I see that God has an amazing mission for me alone to fullfill in this world. Just me. I am the only one who can do this. And I feel so excited!

Who knows..but I am quickly realizing that I am coming up on this mission. I feel God calling me in full time ministry and its somewhat scary to step out in faith and walk on water, and at the same time I am totally excited to see Him work in my life! I am slowly surrendering all my expectations and all my control. That is a might work in it’s self. Pray for me.

and with that – I’m out.